WIT By Margaret Edson
JASON Hi, Professor Bearing. I'm Dr. Posner, clinical fellow in the medical oncology branch, working with Dr. Kelekian. Professor Bearing, I, ah, I was an undergraduate at the U. I took your course in seventeenth-century poetry. VIVIAN You did? JASON Yes. I thought it was excellent. VIVIAN Thank you. Were you an English major? JASON No. Biochemistry. But you can't get into medical school unless you're well-rounded. And I made a bet with myself that I could get an A in the three hardest courses on campus. SUSIE Howdkya do, Jace? JASON Success. VIVIAN ( Doubtful.) Really? JASON A minus. It was a very tough course. (To Susie) I'll call you. SUSIE Okay. (She leaves.) JASON I'll just pull this over. (He gets a little stool on wheels.) Get the proxemics right here. There. (Nervously.) Good. Now. I'm going to be taking your history. It's a medical interview, and then I givwe you an exam. VIVIAN I believe Dr. Kelekian has already done that. JASON Well, I know, but Dr. Kelekian wants me to do it, too. Now. I'll be taking a few notes as we go along. VIVIAN Very well. JASON Okay. Let's get started. How are you feeling today? VIVIAN Fine, thank you. JASON Good. How is your general health? VIVIAN Fine.
JASON Excellent. Okay. We know you are an academic. VIVIAN Yes, we've established that. JASON So we don't need to talk about your interesting work. VIVIAN No. (The following questions and answers go extremely quickly . ) JASON How old are you? VIVIAN Fifty. JASON Are you married? VIVIAN No. JASON Are your parents living? VIVIAN No. JASON How and when did they die? VIVIAN My father, suddenly, when I was twenty, of a heart attack. My mother, slowly, when I was forty-one and forty-two, of cancer. Breast cancer. JASON Cancer? VIVIAN Breast cancer. JASON I see. Any siblings? VIVIAN No. JASON D you have any questions so far? VIVIAN Not so far. JASON Well, that about does it for your life history. VIVIAN Yes, that's all there is to my life history. JASON Now I'm going to ask you about your past medical history. Have you ever been hospitalized?
VIVIAN I had my tonsils out when I was eight. JASON Have you ever been pregnant? VIVIAN No. JASON VIVIAN No. JASON Stomach, liver, kidney problems? VIVIAN No. JASON Venereal diseases? Uterine infections? VIVIAN No. JASON Thyroid, diabetes, cancer? VIVIAN No – cancer, yes. JASON When? VIVIAN Now. JASON Well, not including now. VIVIAN In that case, no. JASON Okay. Clinical depression? Nervous breakdowns? Suicide attempts? VIVIAN No. JASON Do you smoke? VIVIAN No. JASON VIVIAN I'm sorry? JASON Alcohol. VIVIAN Oh. Ethanol. Yes, I drink wine. JASON How much? How often?
VIVIAN A glass with dinner occasionally. And perhaps a Scotch every now and then. JASON Do you use substances? VIVIAN JASON Marijuana, cocaine, crack cocaine, PCP, ecstasy, poppers – VIVIAN JASON Do you drink caffeinated beverages? VIVIAN Oh, yes! JASON VIVIAN Coffee. A few cups a day. JASON How many? VIVIAN Two … to six. But I really don't think that's immoderate – JASON How often do you undergo routine medical checkups? VIVIAN Well, not as often as I should, probably, but I've felt fine, I really have. JASON So the answer is? VIVIAN Every three to … five years. JASON What do you do for exercise? VIVIAN Pace. JASON Are you having sexual relations? VIVIAN Not at the moment. JASON Are you pre- or post-menopausal? VIVIAN Pre.
JASON When was the first day of your last period?
VIVIAN Ah, ten days – two weeks ago. JASON Okay. When did you first notice your present complaint? VIVIAN This time, now? JASON Yes. VIVIAN Oh, about for months ago. I felt a pain in my stomach, in my abdomen, like a cramp, but not the same. JASON How did it feel? VIVIAN Like a cramp. JASON But not the same? VIVIAN JASON What came next? VIVIAN Well, I just, I don't know, I started noticing my body, little things. I would be teaching, and feel a sharp pain. JASON What kind of pain? VIVIAN Sharp, and sudden. Then it would go away. Or I would be tired. Exhausted. I was working on a major project, the article on John Donne for The Oxford Encyclopedia of English Literature. It was a great honor. But I had a strict deadline. JASON So you would say you were under stress? VIVIAN It wasn't so much more stress than usual, I just couldn't withstand it this time. I don't know. JASON So? VIVIAN So I went to Dr. Chin, my gynecologist, after I had turned in the article, and explained all this. She examined me, and sent me to Jefferson the internist, and he sent me to Kelekian because he thought I might have a tumor.
JASON And that's it? VIVIAN Till now. JASON Hmmm. Well, that's very interesting. (Nervous pause.) Well, I guess I'll start the examination. It'll only take a few minutes. Why don't you, um, sort of lie back, and – oh – relax. (He helps her lie back on the table, raises the stirrups out of the table, raises her legs and puts them in the stirrups, and puts a paper sheet over her.) Be very relaxed. This won't hurt. Let me get this sheet. Okay. Just stay calm. Okay. Put your feet in these stirrups. Okay. Just. There. Okay? Now. Oh, I have to go get Susie. Go to have a girl here. Some crazy clinical rule. Um. I'll be right back. Don't move. (Jason leaves. Long pause. He is seen walking quickly back and forth in the hall, and calling Susie's name as he goes by.) VIVIAN (To herself.) I wish I had given him an A. (Silence.) Two times one is two. Two times two is four. Two times three is six. Um. Oh.
Death be not proud, though some have called thee Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not soe, For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow, Die not, poore death, nor yet canst kill meee;
JASON (In the hallway.) She was here just a minute ago. VIVIAN
One short sleepe past, we wake eternally, And death shall be no more – comma – Death thou shalt Die.
(Jason and Susie return . ) JASON Okay. Here's everything. Okay. SUSIE What is this? Why did you leave her –
JASON (To Susie) I had to find you. Now, come on. (To Vivian.) We're ready, Professor Bearing. (To himself, as he puts on exam gloves.) Get these on. Ooh. Okay. (As much to himself as to her.) Just relax. (He begins the pelvic exam, with one hand on her abdomen and the other inside her, looking blankly at the ceiling as he feels around.) Okay. (Silence.) Susie, isn't that interesting, that I had Professor Bearing. SUSIE Yeah. I wish I had taken some literature. I don't know anything about poetry.
JASON (Trying to be casual.) Professor Bearing was very highly regarded on campus. It looked very good on my transcript that I had taken her course. (Silence.) They even asked me about it in my interview for med school – (He feels the mass and does a double take.) Jesus! (Tense silence. He is amazed and fascinated.) SUSIE What? VIVIAN What? JASON Um. (He tries for composure.) Yeah. I survived Bearing's course. No problems. Heh. (Silence.) Yeah, John Doone, those metaphysical poets, that metaphysical wit. Hardest poetry in the English department. Like to see them try biochemistry. (Silence.) Okay. We're about done. Okay. That's it. Okay, Professor Bearing. Let's take your feet out, there. (He takes off his gloves and throws them away.) Okay, I gotta go. (Jason quickly leaves. Vivian gets up from this scene and walks swiftly away. Susie cleans up the exam room and exits. Scene change.) |